She tried to tell me it was a “love bite” (whatever that is), but I know the truth-cats are evil. When I was seven, my aunt’s cat bit me, with all 30 of its adult teeth. By the time cats reach adulthood they have 30 teeth. I’m sorry, but why do you want a pet that sleeps 2/3 of the day? Even fish are awake longer than that! All they do is sleep! Cats sleep, on average, 16 hours every day! That means your cat is aware for roughly eight hours of the day.How it got there I have no idea, but Alyssa claims she can go up to a week without seeing that thing. In fact, my friend Alyssa has a cat that lives its life entirely in their ceiling. I’m convinced that any human interaction of any kind is just…un-cat-like. They lurk in the corners of your house like the little creepsters they are, and even when you try to beg them to sit with you on the couch they stare blankly at you and walk away. Cats, on the other hand, hate you before you even have the opportunity. If you have a dog, you know they’re always there to play fetch, go on a run, or snuggle with you in bed, even if you just treated them poorly. And clearly other people agree with me! I mean, for god’s sake, there’s a show on TLC now called, “My Cat from Hell.” That’s got to say something right?! Cats are just creepy! Did you know that 60,000 black cats are killed each year due to superstition alone? While I’m not in any way condoning the killing of cats, I do think cats, whatever their color, are creepy as heck.And I’m pretty sure all 100 of them are made in the wee hours of the night when you’re trying to get some sleep. They can make up to 100 different sounds.
I’m telling you, excessive cat love leads to insanity. Small heated houses for his 20 outdoor cats to live in. My cat-loving Uncle Raef, for example, owns 10 cats that he lets live in his house, and because his wife won’t let any more in the home, he now makes what he calls “kitty condos” in his backyard. And I’m convinced excessive cat love and insanity go hand in hand. It’s never just one cat, it’s always at least two or three. Now you’re probably thinking that’s just one crazy guy, but everyone I know with cats seems to have them in bulk. Okay, so maybe this isn’t scientifically proven or anything, but hear me out on this: the record number of cats owned by one person was 689. Cat love leads to excess and insanity.So unless you want one of those nasty little bald cats, you’re cleaning cat hair off of everything you own. Now, I’m fully aware that this is a stupid reason to hate cats, but I’m sticking with it. And being licked by a cat pretty much makes me want to amputate my arm. Now, I don’t know if that’s considered a lot of taste buds or if that’s even the reason why cats have such weird tongues, but what I do know is that a cat's tongue feels like nasty wet sandpaper.
Because something is wrong with your sniffer. If you can honestly tell me, with 100 percent seriousness, that you think cats smell good, I’m sending you to an ear nose and throat doctor. I can just hear the cat lover's hearts breaking across the world as I type.
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